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A Dose of Reality: Crowned: The Mother of All Pageants - December 12: Lesson One - Shut Up, Look Pretty
by R.J. Carter
Published: December 12, 2007
I have to wonder sometimes if the Hussein estate is collecting royalty off every "Mother of all..." things that get to bandy about the title. Now it's
finally lost enough of its original umph to be applied to a reality show -- a pageant, of all things. The CW introduces us tonight to Crowned: The
Mother of All Pageants, where eleven pairs of moms and daughters will live together for eight weeks as they compete for a $100,000 prize. (How
long before their cycles synch up and they try to kill each other?) While there, they will undergo "intense training" and perform in front of judges,
after which the worst performing duo will be de-sashed.
On most reality shows, you wouldn't expect the drama to begin right away. I mean, you really need to know someone rather well in order to start
hating them. But we do have our eye on a few... shall we say, "special" mother/daughter teams that will likely attract ire and cause consternation.
Chief among them are Patty and Laura from Florida, who right away declare that they are the team to beat, despite having absolutely no experience
with pageants. They have -- according to them -- the personality, the body, and the look. Plus, daughter Laura thinks she has something in the
talent department, which we'll get to later.
Providing the counterpoint to this pair is Gina and Hollis, some Texas girls who have plenty of experience with the perception of pageants, even if
they've never been in one. Their goal is to show girls across the country that beauty comes in many forms -- and yes, you'd expect this to come
from females who aren't waiflike ninety-pounders, which neither Gina nor Hollis are. But they're still a pair of cuties, and mother Gina harmonizes
well with daughter Hollis's singing.
Brenda and Heather are a pair of platinum blondes from West Virginia who declare their minds are their secret weapons. (It writes itself, folks:
Blonde. West Virginia. Brains. Come up with your own jokes, I've got a column to write.) They're counting on the first impression they make on
the others to be considered dumb. "The blonde hair fools a lot of people," says daughter Heather -- a law school student!
Before we meet the rest of our contestants one-on-one, we're whisked to the front of the mansion -- it could be the Beauty and the Geek mansion;
they're all starting to look alike -- where our host, Miss New York 1995 and former Miss USA Shanna Moakler welcomes them to the competition.
As she explains it, the purpose of the contest is to celebrate "what it means to be a modern beauty." Which is code for, "It's not just about looks."
Which itself is code for, "Ugly girls need not hope to win." Shanna introduces them all to their pageant director, Linnea Maloney, who tells them,
"If you listen to me, we will get along just fine. If you don't... we may have a problem." Suddenly, we've gone from a beauty pageant to a women's
prison movie? You've got my attention! Let's start the pillow fights!
With the doors opened, the women swarm the house. And it is indeed beautiful inside. "It's like living in a fairy tale castle," say Gina and Hollis.
There are bunk beds (oh joy!) with roses laid out on them (did a certain Bachelor stop by?), and arrangements of cupcakes on display. It's not long
before we learn who the eaters are, and who are the ones who survive on nutrients pulled from the air.
On to more contestants. Melinda and Rachelle are up next, and we learn that Rachelle has been competing in pageants since she was 15, and was a
runner-up for Miss Arizona. Not to be outdone, Mome lets us know that she was a runner-up in another pageant... when she was 6. You know, if
you have to go back that far to find an accomplishment...
Jill and Nicole are up next, but all we learn from them is that daughter Nicole was awarded the title of Miss Delaware -- on her very first try in a
pageant! Shortly after this, we learn that Melinda just got a kidney transplant two years ago. Oh great, now I feel like a jerk for my earlier
comments. Well, not really. After all, if CW can throw a violin track to it, it's worthy mocking.
Pamela and Felicia have never been on an airplane before, let alone a pageant -- and it's a tad bit obvious. They're the first to hit the cupcakes, and
the editors like to show them when they've got something being shoved in their face. The two "intelligent blondes" see them as no competition at
all, instantly setting the stage for the audience to begin rooting for the underdogs. Meanwhile, whoever did Katey Sagal's hair on Married with
Children is still employed at a salon somewhere, and Pamela's paying the guy money to stick with the same style. Yikes!
Jenileigh is the current Miss Wyoming, and her mother Moya is her seamstress. When Jenileigh was three, her family lost her father and the house.
"This competition... is a life changing event for us," says Moya. Hmm... a family-slash-financial hardship that's twenty years past vs. a
two-year-old kidney transplant? I dunno, I've gotta go with the organ recipient on this one.
From New Mexico come Andrea and Amanda, and their strategy is that they'll not reveal to anyone what the talent portion of their competition
will be. Mama Andrea says she will fight hard knowing that this money is for her daughter. One assumes that if the $100,000 was just going to be
hers, she'd slack off and let someone else win.
Next up is Ada and Christan. Christan's a girl who does what she wants. At 14, Ada had to send her to Girls Town, and Christan got mad about it.
Ooh! Apparently they've been working it out ever since.
Patty -- remember her? Laura's mom? -- has brough her own food: frozen hamburgers. Gina, who's the "Martha Stewart" of the bunch, according to
Hamburger Patty, is cooking for the rest of the house. As the food is set out, Laura is certain that Gina and Hollis are her "non-competition" -- and
when mom interrupts her during the interview segment, Laura gives her an eye-roll that apparently never got slapped off of her at an early enough
age.
Elimination Competition: First Impressions
Linnea informs the group about the first contest: the women have to think of a team name, then create a themed outfit and a creative way of
introducing themselves to the judges. She emphasises that the roles of mother and daughter are to be retained while still expressing themselves as a
team.
So it's off to the brainstorming sessions. Brenda and Heather are looking for something "southern-y." Brenda suggests "Country Bumpkins," and
Heather tells her, "Okay, you're fired." They quickly settle, however, on the name "Blonde Bombshells." And they're the intelligent pair,
remember? Apparently intelligence doesn't always gift one with creativity.
Amanda and Andrea toss out names and consider "The Lean Queens." When Amanda suggests that all the girls there could be considered lean
queens, Andrea casts a glance askance over at Jenileigh and Hollis and says, "Oh, honey, not all." "You'll never win Miss Congeniality that way,"
Amanda says to her mom, chidingly. Aren't they just the sweetest things? They ultimately decide on "The Reigning A's" -- because both their first
names start with the letter "A." I can think of another word that starts with "A," and I bet you can too, if you just think about it for a little bit.
Annette and Alana are a couple we haven't seen much of yet. Annette suggests they try out "Sophisticated Ladies." Which would have been a good
name, except her California daughter can't spell a word that big. Mom has her doctorate, and apparently used up all the education funding for the
family. But I have to wonder how smart mom really is when she goes along with Alana's final suggestion: "Silent But Deadly."
Switching scenes, it's a mad-dash to the wardrobe warehouse, where Pam and Felicia -- the "Tomboy Queens" -- are looking for sexy army fatigues.
Moya declares that her team is the "Daredevil Divas," but Jenileigh isn't finding anything that fits the thieme. Fortunately for the "Daredevil
Divas," Hollis and Gina had extra time to help them find outfits. Unfortunately, the resulting costumes make them look like goldfish in reflective
costumes that look like they were scraped off a disco ball somewhere. Jenileigh feels like a stuffed fish, and lets the viewers know that she's
insecure about her body, having gone back and forth with weight issues.
Hollis and Gina wrote their own song, which they'll use to introduce themselves to the judges. As they practice, the "Reigning A's" are busy racing
each other, excercising on the track and focusing on their physical appearance. As usual, they're keeping themselves segregated from the rest of the
contestants.
Christan and her mom are also working on prepared intros, but they keep forgetting their lines. Well, mom does, at least. That can't be a good thing.
And mom actually looks like she's scared of her daughter at times. This woman needs twenty cc's of self-esteem, stat!.
Shriek & Violate. Laura (left) practices her vocal exercises
early in the morning, with mother Patty by her side.
(Is that gum in her mouth?)
The following morning, Laura shows off her siren-like qualities. No, I mean siren as in ambulance. She's warming up with her mom, Hamburger
Patty, and her vocal exercises are deafening whatever dogs are walking near the compound. Birds are exploding as they fly over. There's a crack in
my television screen that wasn't there before. Imagine Olive Oyl doing a falsetto soprano and you're almost there. Of course, it wakes up everyone
in the house, because it's still only seven thirty! Hollis gets out of bed and suggests that there are people still sleeping. "Well, we're gonna rehearse.
Sorry," says Laura matter-of-factly. Ah, I see the Yotch family is in the competition. Laura and Patty -- both sharing the middle name Bea. I see a
confrontation in the near future, and it ain't gonna be pretty.
Here Come De Judges
The girls are all warming up in the hallway as they prepare to take their acts before the judges. In addition to Miss Moakler, the contestants will
also have to impress VH1 and TV Guide Channel personality Cynthia Garrett, and Queer Eye fashion guruu Carson Kressley. This is going to be
fun...
The first team out of the chute is the Redhead Bombshells -- only a slightly more silly name than the Blonde Bombshells. The team is Laura and
Patty, who introduce each other with a pretty little shared-line poem with verses like "Laura likes to eat," and "Mama loves her hamburger meat."
Laura then gives a quick, ear-piercing demonstration of her screeching ability, which is actually worse than her warmups if that's possible. She's
almost in the range that only dogs can hear, which would be nice because then we couldn't hear it. Laura is definitely overly confident, and even
defensive when the judges begin questioning their intro, prompting Carson to ask Laura if she drinks a lot of caffeine.
Up next is the Blonde Bombshells -- with a team name that now seems so much more appropriate after following that first act. But they endure a
bad entry, with belle dresses and floppy hats covering their faces. Heather and her mom explain that a blonde bombshell is "intelligent and smart,"
ironically proving the concept of the blonde bombshell. The judges don't buy it, and Cynthia tells them it's definitely not the best choice for a team
name.
The Dream Girls are quickly becoming my personal picks of the group. Gina and Hollis enter singing -- no, really singing. They're having fun,
they're harmonizing. Carson lets out an exuberant, "God bless Texas!" The duo explain to the judges that they've never done this before, and exit on
a positive note. No doubt about it -- they're staying in the competition this week.
Okay, did Bjork have a yard sale, or did the Diamond Dolls mug a couple of ostriches to make these dresses? They too have a cutesy little intro
poem, which talks about their obsession with shopping malls. Carson explains that the name of the team sounds "kinda superficial," and then the
pair go into explaining about mom's kidney transplant and how the money will go to help pay medical bills. This is the stuff the judges really
wanted to see, but when the girls go backstage, mom starts to break down into tears, worried that she's tanked the deal for her daughter since
Carson thought they were "superficial" (which he didn't).
Speaking of superficial, though, here comes team Skin Deep. They intro with a light rap song before Shanna gets to tell them that "skin deep"
implies shallow, while the mother and daughter probably meant the exact opposite. But no... Mom says she thinks of the name as meaning "deeply
rooted; to be skin deep, it does deal with depth." Yes, but just not very much of it. Shanna and Cynthia can barely contain their giggles at the
explanation, and agree after the exit that the pair just got the meaning wrong.
The Tomboy Queens enter with all the grace of... well, there's no grace to that entry at all, so why belabor it with an overly cute metaphor? Carson
is taken with the military uniform look, and he also likes the "queen" bit of their names. Cynthia thinks the look is original, but tells Felicia that she
needs to work on her hair. (See, I'm not the only one who thought that!)
The Sassy Sisters, Jill and Nicole, think they can definitely beat Felicia and Pamela, which only serves to make this viewer root for the Tomboy
Queens even more. They also have another poem for an intro -- apparently this was the "original" idea that all the teams had. However, the name
and the intro leave the judges cold -- the women didn't retain their individual roles, and Linnea had instructed them. "You're not sisters, nor should
you be," Cynthia warns them.
Now we're up to the Reigning A's. Amanda and Andrea will now reveal the talent bit that they were keeping under wraps. They enter in some sort
of "Egyptian Gown meets Bay Window Curtains" outfit, and we learn taht their special secret talent is... talking. And more talking. With talking on
top of that, as they explain in excruciating detail what the definition of "reign" is. They interrupt Carson ("But wait, there's more!" he says) when
he starts to question them. Shanna finally tells them that they're "saying a lot" but that she's not really getting what they're saying. Carson declares
that he needs an interpreter, and Cynthia has to ask again where they're from, because she already forgot. "They were so boring," says Carson --
but, oops!, they weren't quite off the stage before he let slip that opinion!
In their tacky mirrored dresses, the Daredevil Divas take the stage. Apparently they're both into bodybuilding, and they've got the biceps to prove
it. It turns out that Jenileigh is an aerialist, which explains her fit physique. "Your outfits make my eyes bleed," says Carson -- but the fact that
they're so comfortable in them wins them beaucoup points in his eyes, so it's a good first impression overall.
Now the judges get a whiff of team Silent But Deadly, and it goes just the way you thought it would. Daughter Alana is incredibly poised for an 18
year old, and that wins the judges favor. But when Carson asks them to explain the name, Alana says it's because they have no experience, thus
they're forced to be silent, learn, and execute when ready. Carson then explains to them what everyone else thinks of when they hear the phrase,
and mom is later appalled that someone would thnk of that. Ah, the things they don't teach you when you're getting that higher education...
Christan and Ada are the last pair out, and the name of their team is Hot & Not. Yes, that's the daughter/mother love we expected: a team name that
shows how with-it the daughter is while deprecating mom's role for being out of touch. They deliver their lines, and Christan has to prompt her
mom when she forgets them. Ada starts apologizing on stage, and Christan forces a "Mom, stop," through her frozen smile. Shanna wants to see
the confidence in Ada go up if they continue in this competition, and Cynthia has issues with Christan telling her mom that she's not hot. This gets
Christan to turn on the waterworks, because she really loves her mom. Yeah, we can see that.
De-Sashed
The teams are all brought back out before the judges for the De-Sashing Ceremony. Laura is confident that they will not be eliminated -- and she's
probably right. The producers are smart enough to keep the irritants on a reality show for at least a couple of weeks to draw the viewers back.
The jewel-encrusted shears are brought out, and the judges begin addressing the teams.
Shanna tells the Diamond Dolls that she wants to see what's inside them. "Like your new kidney," says Carson. They're safe.
Carson tells Skin Deep that he likes their attitude, and they are also safe.
Cynthia informs Hot & Not that it should have been Hot & Hot, and that there's promise for both of them if they take this journey together.
They'll be back next week.
The Sassy Sisters need to be individuals according to Shanna. They'll get another week to prove that they can be.
Cynthia didn't love the name of the Redhead Bombshells, and tells Laura that she needs to "lay off the defensiveness." However, they're safe this
week, as Cynthia thinks they have "somewhere to get."
Carson's was impressed enough with the comfort and confidence of the Daredevil Divas in their hideous outfits that he's keeping them another
week.
Cynthia tells the Tomboy Queens that they are diamonds in the rough and have much potential. She also then addresses Silent But Deadly and
says she liked their communication despite their poorly chosen team name.
And then there were three. Shanna Moakler calls the Blonde Bombshells, Dream Gals, and Reigning A's down from the stage. Each of these three
had standout performances, she says, but for different reasons. One of them had the highest overall score, while the others finished in the bottom
two.
No surprise, it's the Dream Gals who knocked out the judges. Shanna says they were "blown away" by their introduction. The Dream Gals are
definitely the dream team in this contest.
To the Blonde Bombshells: Shanna says the judges didn't get to see them as individuals, to which Carson says they "didn't get to see them because
they were wearing those 'horrendo' hats." He also adds that they looked like Amish hookers! Cynthia says that they put themselves in a box of
"blonde bombshell" and nothing more with their name selection.
To the Reigning A's: They talked too much. "You guys were talking, and I'm not really sure what you were talking about," says Shanna. Carson
doesn't feel like they made an impression.
Shanna asks the Blonde Bombshells to take up the shears... and then are told to desash the Reigning A's. There's a collective gasp of shock from
everyone at the "twist." Andrea and Amanda theorize that maybe they didn't put themselves out there enough. The more likely theory is that they
put themselves out there a little too much. Regardless, the reign of the Reigning A's is a short one.
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Beachfront Antiques Show Stars at Cape May's Annual Victorian Week
Cape May, New Jersey
by Ed Pfeiffer
Cape May, New Jersey, at the state's extreme southern end where the Delaware River flows into the Atlantic Ocean, is a time warp to the
Victorian era. Said to be the country's oldest seashore resort, the whole city has been designated a National Historic Landmark. It has more
Victorian structures than any other community east of the Mississippi and is topped nationally only by San Francisco.
Its Victorian ambiance, however, is not limited to buildings; it also pervades Cape May's culture. Its Mid-Atlantic Center for the Arts (MAC)
stages a continual year-round series of programs and events related to the Victorian era. The largest of these is the annual Cape May Victorian
Week with house tours, lectures, a Victorian fashion show, vintage dance programs, Victorian dining, and many other events.
An antiques show is part of Victorian Week. It is held at the Cape May Convention Hall, which is on the beachfront and faces the Promenade, a
concrete seawall topped by a walkway that replaced an earlier wooden boardwalk. This year's show was on Sunday, October 7.
The town was crowded with visitors either attending Victorian Week or there for the Columbus Day holiday. The weather was ideal and unusual
for early October. A nearly cloudless sky and unseasonal temperatures in the mid-80's brought crowds of people to walk, jog, or cycle on the
Promenade and attracted hundreds of others to Cape May's beaches to sunbathe and wade into the surf. Although the final attendance figures for
the show were not yet available, MAC staffer Mary Steward said attendance usually ranges from 1000 to 1500.
The show was a small but enjoyable one with 21 exhibitors. Most were from New Jersey, but there were five from Pennsylvania and one from
New York. Nearly all had been doing the show and two others staged by MAC for many years. The merchandise being shown focused very
heavily on smalls, including inexpensive jewelry, glass, china, sterling, toys, coins, and books. There was relatively little furniture, nearly all of it
smaller pieces. There were no highboys, poster beds, desks, or other larger items.
Exhibitors explained that that had to do with the nature of the crowd. Most were visitors who had traveled to Cape May by car or perhaps airline.
They were not likely to want to buy large furniture that would have to be shipped but rather were looking for souvenirs or things that could be
carried in their luggage.
An exception to the emphasis on smalls was provided by Lyle Turner of Turner's Piano Restorations, Williamsport, Pennsylvania, who had a
display of vintage mechanical musical instruments at the top of the steps at the convention hall entrance. One of them was a circa 1902 tiger maple
player piano, priced at $5500 including delivery and tuning. It provided a music background throughout the day. Many people coming to or from
the show, as well as walkers and joggers passing by, stopped to do a little dance to the rhythmical piano tunes. Turner also encouraged children to
pretend they were playing the piano, and many of them were delighted to do so.
Exhibitors, in general, reported rather light but still satisfactory sales results based, for the most part, on many purchases of low-priced items.
The Mid-Atlantic Center for the Arts stages three antiques shows each year, during Presidents' Day weekend in February, around Memorial Day,
and as part of Victorian Week in October. For information, call (800) 275-4278 or visit (www.capemaymac.org).
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